Well, Depeche Mode did say it best. Here I am again, funny how things have this habit of coming full circle in my life. Days are going by, and I am getting better, dealing with things instead of shoving them down inside or at the bottom of a empty bottle of booze. I quit smoking and I am starting to slowly trust myself and other people in my life as well. I am in love, and I am very lucky to have someone in my life that has stuck it out with me through thick and thin, because trust me folks, this man has been through the ringer with me. I have been the depressed, angry, drunken widow that wanted nothing more than to drink my way straight into the dirt. I've also played the role of the out of control party girl trying to mask her inner pain with temporary friends and more alcohol. I've been the horrid daughter that has worried her parents to their wits end, wondering if I was alive or dead one day to the next. You name it, I've played part in the Masquerade. I'm not proud, but then again I don't regret it, because it all happened for a reason. For me to be the person I am today, for me to know what I know now.
I miss some of my friends, but most of all I miss Eddie. He wasn't just my husband, he was my best friend. I told him everything, he told me everything, we where one in the same. I lost a large piece of myself when he left this world, and it will never be replaced. I have comes to terms with it, it gets easier everyday. I miss him so much, but I Know he doesn't want me to let my life come to a standstill because hes gone. He was one of the best things I had going for me in my life, and I can't thank him enough for touching my life and heart the way he did. He was such a amazing person, it's hard to even try to put into words the kinda guy he was. I love him still, and miss him dearly, not a day passes that I don't think of him in my daily routine.
As for the people in my life I have hurt during this whole whirlwind of events, I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart and soul. There are quite a few that I really regret saying and doing the things I did towards you. Just know, I am trying my best to not be that sick person anymore, that's right, I was sick. I couldn't go one day without having a drink in my hand and being thoroughly wasted. Due the alcohol, I did and said some things I am not very proud of. I have lost friendships, good solid friendships, over me not wanting to deal with the pain and lashing out at others or just pushing people away. I was even guilty of shutting my own family out. I don't EVER want to walk that path again, that is a side of myself I wish for no one to have to ever see again. Once again, I am so sorry, and just know I am still here and love you all dearly and thank you for everything, even if you never read this.
I feel so much better that I spilled this all out in the open and got it off my chest. Thank you for listening if you are, and even if no one is, this is still closure for myself....